50. Guilt

Little bit behind schedule so 51 will be up tonight...


Mumford and Sons - The Cave


ELLA'S POV


Seeing Jordan at the funeral had been really hard - I had felt this pang of guilt and almost regret for what I did. He looked gorgeous in his suit but today wasn't the occasion for admiring him. I hadn’t expected to see him there, it was a total shock to the system, and part of me didn’t think it was appropriate for him to be there as he didn’t really count as close friends or family, but as he had said, he was there for Max. And Max really needed support right now, he had looked so lost lost at the funeral that Gina’s mother had asked me afterwards to make sure Max was alright.

When I found out that Max had been planning on proposing to Gina, my heart broke for him. It had been a whirlwind romance, but there was no doubt in anyone’s mind about their commitment for each other. And there was no doubt in my mind that Gina would have said yes.

After the funeral Félix and I had flown straight back to Montréal. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to stay any longer in Pittsburgh, it was the fact that KPMG had only given me the day off and med school for Félix was pretty tough on taking time away. So we had had to say our swift goodbyes before leaving for the airport.

“Where was Sophie?” Félix remarked as he drove us back home through the rush hour traffic. Sophie? I haven’t seen or heard from Sophie since she went into rehab despite contacting her once or twice. I was certain that she would have been there at the very least – she was one of Gina’s closest friends, she owed it to her to be there.

“I don’t know, it’s a little bizarre,” I replied staring at the back of the car in front of us. Sophie had spent six weeks in Utah trying to get rid of her coke and partying addiction. By now, if she had stuck it out, she would be clean. I didn’t know if part of her being ‘clean’ was starting her life again. She only lived in Harrisburg, which isn’t that far away from Pittsburgh – she should have been there.

“Almost disrespectful,” I said thinking out loud. After everything that Gina had done for Sophie, she could have at least showed her presence there today. Maybe she had already acknowledged Gina’s death, maybe she couldn’t be there today, I didn’t know.

“You should call Max,” Félix said as we stopped at yet another red light. It was one of those days where all of the lights are against you and it’s going to take a while to get anywhere. “He looked so lost today, and he needs someone to talk to. It’s good that he has Jordan but I don’t know how much good Jordan is doing. Even if all you do is talk with him about the good times with Gina,” Felix continued. “He needs more oomph.”

“Did you just say oomph!?” I asked looking at Félix.

“OOOMPPHH yeah! Yeah I did,” Félix grinned as we finally turned off the road into our neighbourhood.

“So I’ll call him,” I said as we got out of the car, wondering when would be the best time to do this. Maybe not today; today was hard enough on all of us. I didn’t want to leave it too long, but maybe a day or two.





Two days later I picked up the phone and decided to call Max’s cell. It rang several times before he answered with a rather gruff voice.

“Allo Max, c’est Ella,” I said, thinking that the conversation might be easier for us if we spoke in French. I know Max’s English is impeccable but sometimes it can be easier to express your feelings in your first language.

“Oui, allo,” Max responded before he switched to English. “I always forget you’re from Montréal. How are you doing?”

“Not too bad,” I thought as Max had quickly pinpointed the reason as to why I’m calling and deflected the question back at me. “And you?”

“OK, OK. Still alive, still in Pittsburgh.”

“Why don’t you come back to Montréal, see your family?”

There was a loud sigh as I waited for Max to draft up some excuse as to why he wanted to stay in Pittsburgh. “Ella,” he began. “You knew Gina better than anyone. I haven’t even told Staalsy this. If I go home, it means she’s gone. Forever.”

“Max…” I began understanding that he was still struggling to come to terms with it even after the funeral.

“No, I’m thinking about asking for a trade. Somewhere, anywhere, just out of this city. Here there are too many memories of Gina, and it’s my fault.”

“A trade? But Max, you’ve got everyone here, you’ve got a support system. And if you move, you won’t get to play with Captain Marvellous,” I justified, trying to imagine the team without Max’s goofy smile. “It’s not your fault she’s gone, it’s the fault of that stupid person driving that car.”

“But you didn’t see her. She didn’t even scream, she was thrown fifteen metres but she looked so lifeless, like a rag doll. I couldn’t help her. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this,” Max continued. “And the driver’s still out there.”

“I know, Max, but they’re looking for whoever did this. It was a nasty accident and it’s not fair. But come back to Montréal, the city misses you.

“The city misses me? Good one. I’ll be back at some point,” he replied. “But I don’t know how much longer I can stay in Pittsburgh for, it’s crushing me.”

Max was driving himself round in circles: he wanted to get out of Pittsburgh because he was haunted by memories of happier times with Gina; yet he didn’t want to come home to Montréal. I thought he would be stupid to leave the Penguins – he’s so loved in this city and I know Jordan and the rest of the guys would be devastated if Max left.

“Well come back to Montréal you goon,” I said. “Come and stay with me and we’ll eat ice cream and bike round the city and drink on Crescent and hang out on the plateau and maybe go to La Ronde, if you’re lucky.”

“I don’t know Ell, those places don’t sound superstar enough for me,” Max sighed. I knew I’d managed to get a peek at the old Max, even if he was forcing it right now.

“Those places not cool enough for you?” I chided pushing him to get a response.

“Nope, I’m going to have to show you when I’m back in the city. Ella, I don’t know if you’re cool enough to hang out with me if you’re still going to La Ronde.”

“And you’re going to turn down the parc d’attractions?” I pushed.

“Mmm yeah?” Max said. I giggled. Just for a moment I felt like I had succeeded in getting Max back to his usual, jovial self even if I still had 95% to go.

“Well it’s a date then,” I said. “See you around, and call me if you ever want someone to reminisce with about Gina. You’re not alone,” I said hoping Max would swallow his pride and pick up the phone at some point. “You should call the guys too,” I pushed, knowing that as soon as Max spoke to TK, Geno, Jordan or Sid he wouldn’t want to move.

“Thanks Ella, speak soon,” Max said as I hoped he actually meant it. As I hung up I thought the conversation had gone better than I could have hoped – well apart from Max talking about a trade. Hopefully the Penguins organisation would call his bluff and have the sense not to trade him – he’s too popular in the ‘burgh to be traded.
Félix handed me a huge cup of tea as I relaxed back into the sofa. “So how did it go?” he asked, setting the cup in front of me on the glass table.

“As well as it could have done. We’ll see. He’s still hurting and he doesn’t want to leave Pittsburgh. He’s wallowing.”

“Hopefully he’ll stop that. Slowly his pain will slip away and he’ll be left with honour and remembrance for her,” Félix said, biting into an apple.

I turned to look up at Félix. “Since when did you get so wise?”