41. Sorrows

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner, I've been spending a lot of time in hospitals. I'm not dying I promise - just stupid doctors taking hours to tell me something I self-diagnosed on webdoctor. So here is the next one.
I feel I might need to explain the situation a little better: Would you stick with your boyfriend, no matter who he is, when he didn't call or text you for a month? No, I don't think so, which is why Ella made the decision she did.
I've tried to make this update a little longer - there's a lot to say and to be understood and I wanted to say all of it in one chapter. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think.


Song: I-94 - The End


JORDAN'S POV


When we’d lost to Montreal I know I’d never hear the end of it from my brothers despite none of them making the playoffs. About one percent of me was relieved that we were out, probably the nerve in my foot which still hurt even if I wasn’t going to show it. I’d managed to prove that I could still be Gronk out on the ice and deserved to play. I didn’t want to bring team morale down by being scratched out.
And when we had gone out, I’d sulked around for a week, not wanting to talk to anyone, my parents, Ella, chirpy Max or even my brothers who usually knew what to say after, especially as Eric knew what it was like to be thrown out of the playoffs.

I hadn’t spoken to Ella for weeks. I hadn’t not meant to call her - it had just happened. She was always working when I wasn't and we could never both find a good time to chat. The time between our conversations grew longer until it just petered out. From packing up my stall, the apartment to arranging last minute flights home and then work on the sodding farm all just happened. Life was busy which was good – it took my mind off my foot and going out to the fucking Habs at home! We couldn’t even finish off the Mellon with a win. Without sounding like a total narcissist, I had bigger fish to fry than talking to Ella. I hadn’t meant to put our relationship on a backburner, like I said, it just happened, and somehow she had gone from being one of my biggest priorities to slipping right off my radar.

So I’d just thrown myself back into life in Thunder Bay. I’d caught up with Connor who I’d gone to Mexico with, I got to see my brothers again and help Dad out on the farm. And Mom fussed over us all with her cooking. It’s nice to be fussed over every now and then – she was layering it on thick as well since I’d been knocked out – triple portions of apple pie, well, I’m guess I’m still growing.

The four of us plus Dad had been working outside pretty much all day every day. It’s a grounding experience. However, I’m not allowed to drive the tractor – ever since I was fifteen I’ve been banned after I crashed one into a tree and drove the other one into a ditch. Marc and Eric used to have tractor races when we were younger, but Dad quickly caught on and the threat of no outdoor rink was given. Apparently I’m a bit of a liability. Plus, Marc says I drive in wiggly lines, like he does any better with his weak hands. So naturally, Eric gets the tractor whilst we get the manual labour.

When Tanya had run outside, yelling my name, I knew something was up. Tanya doesn’t yell, like ever. She’s like the calmest person I’ve ever met – she didn’t even yell when the cat crapped on her white sweater last Christmas. So when she yelled Ella’s name. I ran inside, forgetting about the pain on my foot, every now and then I get a little twinge especially if we’ve been working outside all day.

“’Sup?” I asked as Tanya stood there holding my phone as if it might bite her. I took it from her, glancing at the screen. Nothing unusual, it hadn’t grown teeth since this morning so I don’t know why I was so scared of what Tanya was about to tell me. It’s just a phone call.

“Ella called,” she said. “She didn’t sound too happy.” I’d better call her back, I thought. I know I’ve been a shit boyfriend recently but I’ve just needed to get my head around things like not winning the cup again and this stupid foot.

I walked upstairs to Jared’s room, the highest point in the house, hoping I’d get maximum signal up there. Living on a farm sucks sometimes, like when you have to make important phone calls for the pizza delivery man or like this. I felt my hands begin to sweat as I dialled her number, wondering why I was so nervous about what she had to say.

“You’ve got some nerve,” she said bitterly down the phone. What have I or haven’t I done? Is it wrong I’m so clueless?

“Ella, hello, how are you? And what you talking about?” I replied trying to be as rational about this as I could.

“The girl?” she bit back. What girl? I’ve been as faithful as a dog, I haven’t been sniffing around. Then it struck me. Tanya had answered my phone. Was she being insecure about that? Seriously?

“Tanya, Eric’s wife. I was outside with Eric and Jared,” I stated. “She heard my phone ringing.”

“Oh, oops.” She didn’t apologise though. Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just Tanya. She’s like our sister, or Eric’s bitch, whichever way you want to look at it.

“So why were you calling?” I said. As soon as I said it, I regretted sounding so blunt. I haven’t spoken to her in like ages, and I miss her, my body misses her, and I haven’t got any since she left. Being sex starved is not good for me, I don’t think straight. For some reason I just couldn’t say what I thought, my mouth just trotted out whatever, which wasn’t going to be a good move in this conversation.

“Well,what are we? I don’t know if this is the right thing for us, I’m not sure I can do this. I love you, and I think I always will, but I can’t do this. This. I can’t do this long distance relationship thing if we’re pretending to be in one. I mean I’ve barely heard from you since you left Pittsburgh. This, it doesn’t feel like we’re in a relationship if we’re not talking to one another.” I listened to what she was saying. Was she saying what I thought she was trying to say? At the moment, her voice being a little bit cross and highly strung was turning me on.

“Is that what this is about?” I said trying to be serious. Right now, I wanted her to get me off over the phone, not talk about our relationship. That kinda bores me. I like our relationship, but I don’t like talking about it.

“Yes. And relationships take effort and time and communication,” she went on. So she was reminding me that I hadn’t exactly been playing fair, I hadn’t put my fair share of time and effort into this. I had my reasons. Nothing prepared me for what she was going to say next. “Which is why I think we should take a break if we can’t make the effort.” A break? Isn’t that what people say when they’re going to break up? Or is this like a trial break up? Are we still friends? Do we still talk? The questions flitted through my head as I didn’t know what to say. So I went for the obvious, the one thing I wanted to tell her. Maybe I could change her mind.

“But I love you,” I begged. Clearly what I wanted, wasn’t going to happen. And I hoped that saying those three words would change her mind. She can’t break up with me. She loves me, and I love her. Things don’t happen like that. You can’t split up if you both love one another. That’s crazy and irrational and stupid and something that doesn’t happen in real life. And fuck!

“And I love you too, which is why it’s so hard for me to do this. I don’t want to, but I think it’s for the best.”

So she still loves me too. That felt like a death blow in itself, I didn’t know whether to be consoled by that or feel ten times worse that she’s still in love with me. “For the best,” – those three words echoed in my mind. For the best for who? For Ella? She’s hurting herself as well as breaking my heart.

“And what about what I think?” I shot back. “What if I don’t want to break up?” I closed my eyes, hoping this was all a horrible nightmare and I’d wake up any minute now. Chicks don’t dump me, I'm a Staal.

“Well, then you’ll have to respect my wishes on this,” she said as the tears began to fall. “Goodbye Jordan.” I listened to the quick click as she hung up the phone as I pulled my phone away from my ear. Not knowing what to do next I threw my phone as hard as I could against the wall, the phone shattering on impact.


“Dude, what did you do that for?” Jared said shocked, coming up the stairs.

“What are you doing here?” I snapped back. I didn’t mean to snap but I was now in a terrible mood and he was the first person to cross my path.

“It’s my room, remember, and I came to get a different t-shirt. Now get out.”

Fuck, I thought, picking up the pieces and heading down the stairs. I can’t even contact her now. I don’t even have her number to text her back or anything. I don’t have anyone’s number anymore. I’m such a prick. I walked downstairs to see Mom and Tanya making something for supper. Not wanting to divulge too much, I asked Mom if she still had her huge address book. She’d start asking questions if I said anything more. With a floury hand she pointed in the direction of the telephone book and the yellow pages on the dresser. Flipping through her address book, I found Connor’s number with my name next to it in brackets – Mom’s way of remembering who everyone’s friends are. Feeling fifteen again I called Connor.

“I need to get drunk tonight,” I said.

“Sure, meet me in town in an hour,” Connor said. He knew better than to ask why. Thank fuck for Connor, he’s always got my back. And hopefully getting wasted off my face would also lead to a consolatory screw, now that I’m officially single.
___________________________ ____

“So what happened?” Connor said as he nursed his second beer as I finished my fourth, or maybe my fifth. I’d lost count but it didn’t really matter, I only want a way to take the pain away and I was well on the way to numbness.

“She ditched me. Something about not putting effort into a relationship because I haven’t called her. At the end she said goodbye. I’m not stupid, but that means the end, finito. She’s in Montreal, I’m here. I’m fucked,” I moaned, staring at the bottom of the bottle.

“Well, you go get her back,” Connor said rationally. Yeah, and miracles just happen. Maybe this is one of those fucked up girl tests and she dumped me to see if I care and if I call her twenty thousand times. Though that would be a sick, fucked up kind of test. “I saw how you were around her in Mexico, she’s the first girl that’s got to you, she’s a keeper, don’t give her up. And it’s ok to fall for someone, Jordan.”

“I broke my phone, can’t even call her,” I muttered. “Chucked it against the wall.”

Connor patted me on the back but it didn’t do much to alleviate the pain. “Well, tomorrow we’ll get you a new phone and then you go to Montreal. You know where she lives right?”

“Nope.” God, I really was a shite boyfriend, ‘was’ being the word here. I really fucked it up – I loved her, I mean I still love her but I need her to give me another chance.

“There’s gotta be someone you can find that out from?” Connor pushed.
I thought about it. My brain functioning about three times as slow as usual. The only people who might know would be Gina and Max. I wasn’t going anywhere near Sophie – that chick was psycho. I nodded and turned to Connor. “You might just be a genius. Let’s get shots to that.”

__________________________________________

I cranked open an eye wondering why Mom had come into my room and thrown open the curtains. That was cruel, and she’d stopped doing that when I was fifteen, or so I thought. I know I’ve got to get up to help out with the watering today, but having what felt like half of the sun in my room was not going to make me get out of bed.
My head was banging head from whatever Connor and I had decided to consume. I looked over to the blinding light source – that is not my window. And this is not my bed. I sat up, making the white and grey room spin. what looked like a motel room. How the fuck did I get here, I thought as I looked around me. The last thing I remember was getting shots with Connor to celebrate getting Ella back. Ella, I thought, as a little smile flitted across my face which was clouded by the memory of that phonecall.

That phone call was the reason I’d called Connor so I could get fucked off my face and forget about it. Which had somehow led to me being in a foreign looking motel room by myself with a throbbing head. I looked around for signs of life and found a note with ‘Tony’s Motel’ across the top of it. The pink, glittery pen hurt my eyes right now, but I focused my eyes on it all the same, thinking it might give me some sort of clue as to why and how I was here.

“Jordie,
Thank you so much for last night,
You were insatiable.
Back in 20,
Your Biggest Fan
Cindy xxxxx

The note was surrounded by lots of pink glittery hearts and flowers. I thought girls stopped drawing hearts and flowers after 9th grade, obviously not. And who the fuck is Cindy? I don’t know anyone in T-Bay called Cindy? And by the looks of her handwriting and that eye-offendsive-ink, I think I’ve just slept with Barbie – Barbie my ‘Biggest Fan’?! Either that meant she was a ten ton Tessie or she was a major puck. Trust me, Thunder Bay is just as bad for pucks as Pittsburgh, they’re just a little more obvious here.

I didn’t know how long ago she’d left, but I knew I didn’t want to be here when she came back which would force me to face the harsh reality of what I’d just done. Trying not to think about what I’d just done, I swivelled myself up and off the bed. In a dream-like state I gathered my alcohol stained clothes, dressing as quickly as possible before checking out and calling a taxi. I wouldn’t call Marc or Jared, they would just laugh at me and bring this up at family meals for like forever.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the driver pulled away from Tony's "deluxe" motel and headed out of town. I'd had a narrow escape, not having to face Cindy. God only knows how that had happened and I was a little pissed at Connor for not looking after me better.

As the taxi approached our driveway, I could see three familiar figures sitting on the grass, a girl and two guys. Knowing it wasn't one of my brothers - Dad would kill them for slacking, I squinted, trying to work out who it is. As we drew closer, I looked a little closer - surely they didn't drive all the way here? Connor was sitting in the shade of a tree whilst the other two were a little further apart. My brow furrowed, not sure why they were here, it could only mean good things, right?

"Max? Gina?" I asked in disbelief, getting out of the taxi.